My Dementia Lessons | Five

For George and Laura

Two friends of mine recently asked me to join them at their vacation home, and I did something radical in response: I went.

If you’re caring for aging parents, you may already know why I called this a radical act. Taking time off from caregiving is not easy. It’s a decision that can be fraught with worry, fear, and guilt.

I went through the usual mental list of why I couldn’t go:

• Can my brothers cover the weekend without me?
• What if my mother (who lives by herself) forgets to take her meds or feed the cat?
• What if my father (who lives in memory care) falls and goes to the hospital?
• Will I be able to forgive myself if something happens and I’m not there to help?

In other words, how can I take it easy when my parents need so much?

Sound familiar?

“The Sick Never Take Days Off“

I once heard a nurse friend of mine say this as she was entering our apartment building late on a holiday. My husband and I thought she’d been celebrating with friends. Turns out she was at work, caring for her patients.

Caring for aging parents can place exactly the same restraints on adult children. My parents don’t get to take breaks from being old and in need. And the older they get, the more they need, so it’s hard to take time off. And to be honest, the stress and the worry of caregiving start to feel like status quo. It’s just the way I live now. When my friends suggested I take a break, my first thought was, from what?

By they time I rang their bell, I was a tired hot mess.

And my wonderful, beautiful friends took me in like a refugee, embraced me, and fed me.

Bless the Beach

On the second day, they took me to the beach.

I am not a beachgoer. I couldn’t even find my suit. But they said, “We are going to the beach,” and I went.

Somewhere in that long afternoon of sun and idle chatter and other people’s distant music and children, I could feel my stress dissolve. It went deep into the sand. Layers and layers of it.

And I realized that I had become an ancient person, much much older than my parents, someone who was plodding along through eons of time until my skin had hardened like a shell. I had become hopelessly, relentlessly weary.

Oh, these good friends. That beach. Those waves.

I had nothing to do but say yes.

Take Any Refuge You Can

Not everyone has friends with a vacation home. I get it. But listen: if you’re a family caregiver and there’s a way for you to take a break–do it.

After you’ve gone through all the reasons why you can’t take a break, push yourself to take one.

Go on vacation, take a long weekend, enjoy a staycation. If you can’t do that, go for walks or take up meditation. Do something that has nothing to do with caregiving–of anyone.

In other words, your break can’t be doing the laundry or making dinner for other people. You may enjoy those tasks, but believe me–there’s something even more restorative in having nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing to achieve. Get to that ahhhh moment.

Don’t thank me. Thank my friends George and Laura.