Nobody likes confrontation. I get it. It’s emotional, even upsetting. We say things we may not mean. We act in ways we regret. If you’re like me, you can replay the event in your mind for days, which means we’re living in the difficult space of confrontation for much longer than the event itself. That’s emotionally and physically draining.

Most of us do not like operating this way, which is why when we have to deal with difficult people many of us would rather avoid the problem and do something else–anything else–instead.

But here’s the thing: healing a difficult relationship is actually much easier than avoiding each other.

Now, don’t get me wrong: if you’re in an abusive relationship, walking away from it may be the best and safest choice. For all other relationships, consider talking. I don’t mean to be smug; it’s just that talk is actually easier than living with the labyrinthine set of behavior rules that you’re about to set up in order to avoid the other person.

When I teach conflict resolution skills, here’s what I commonly hear:

• She’s impossible.
• He’ll be like that forever.
• No matter what I say, she’ll turn it around.
• I’ve done everything I could.
• That’s just the way he is.

These are all falsehoods. We say them because we need to believe them, not because we’re liars. How else can we justify to ourselves why we’ve decided to live with unresolved conflict? In order to accept our resolution to avoid someone, we have to believe that (unlike us) this person is incapable of change.

But everyone changes. The world is constantly changing. To exist is to change.

We know this is true.

The first step, then, to resolving conflict is to change ourselves: to recognize that no matter what the pattern of behavior is, that indeed this person is as capable as you are of behaving differently. In other words, you have to stop dehumanizing them.

Then you have to commit to talking it out. This often means forming a plan for what you’ll say, how you’ll say it, where and when. Obviously, you need to be strategic about finding the right place and waiting for the right time. Once you have that set, you need a good opening line. I like to start with, “Can we talk about something that’s been bothering me?” I like it because I’ve never had anyone say “No.” It’s also good because it’s safe. Opening lines that fail usually do so because they set you up for more conflict. Here are some to avoid:

• I want to talk about what you did/said.
• Got a minute? I need to address the elephant in the room.
• Now that you’re calmer, I need to say something.
• You said something yesterday that’s still bothering me.

All of these put people on the defensive, and let’s face it: if you use them, you’re not really committed to talking things through, you’re committed to winning.

What? You mean I can’t win this thing?

Look, if you’re only interested in winning the argument, then you’re not interested in healing the relationship. Winning the argument is a short term gain. Healing the relationship will have positive lasting effects–maybe even lifelong effects–but to get there, you have to realize that winning is just about you. Healing is about both of you.

I began this post by asserting that talking was easier than avoiding. To do that well, you may have to make two adjustments in your thinking:

1. You need to see the other person as a fully human being just like you.
2. You need to shift your orientation to one that benefits both of you, not just you alone.

For some people, this is a seismic shift that requires a lot of introspection and a commitment to change. Here’s where a coach or a therapist or even journaling can help. But believe me, it’s worth it. Avoiding works in the short term, but it’s ultimately an exhausting, winding road that leads to a dead end. Talking really is the easier route.