Sometimes the best advice is so obvious that it doesn’t sound like advice at all. It sounds like common sense. Yet, when I teach conflict resolution skills, I find that people often have an A-ha Moment when I tell them that the best thing you can do when you’re in a heated conversation is to take a breath.

Not a sigh. Not, “Oh, well” or anything that could signal “you’re hopeless and I always knew it.” What I’m talking about is a visible, restorative breath that shows the other person that you are resetting yourself.

Not Magic, But Almost

It’s amazing how well this works. In fact, I’ve never known it to fail. Why? Because it signals to the other person that you’re trying to slow down, that you want a do-over. Your one restorative breath stops the insanity and helps both of you get off the run-away train.

And that’s exactly what they want, too.

While you both may feel passionately about whatever it is you’re arguing about, probably neither one of you wants to be in that crazy back-and-forth He Said, She Said. Most people–even irascible, difficult people–don’t want to operate in the angry zone. It’s totally unproductive and often hurtful and hopeless.

But it’s hard to stop a run-away train. And that’s why this technique can feel so magical.

A Visible Sign

Think about it: in the heat of an argument, words are no longer working. After all, that’s why you’re arguing. The restorative breath is a visible sign that’s easy to read and most people will take your invitation. Often, as you take that breath, you’ll see the other person mirror you with a deep breath of their own.

When you see your breath mirrored, you have received your own a visible sign that there’s hope: this unproductive argument can be converted to a productive discussion.

You’ve Taken The Breath. Now What?

Take advantage of the pause button you just hit to name exactly how you feel, which is this: you don’t want to argue any more than they do. This can sound like:

• “We’re arguing and that’s exactly what I don’t want.”
• “We’re just going around and around, saying the same things over and over.”
• “I’m sorry. I really don’t want to argue with you.”
• “How did we go from calm to heated so fast? I don’t think either one of us wants to argue.”

Use Your Magic For Good

Your restorative breath has created a new space for both of you to start over–and that’s why it feels like magic. Take advantage of this oasis by suggesting that you both take a moment to collect your thoughts. Then commit to listening.

The interesting thing that usually happens in this new space is that people find a new way to get to the heart of what they need to say. Calmed down, they speak the essence of what they mean. Your job now is to set aside any urge you have to attack, blame, or whine. Just listen. Truly listen. If you’ve done this well, you’ve just modeled the behavior you want from the other person who will usually respond by listening in kind. Now, finally, you can move forward.

It’s Up To You

As hard as it can be, you’ve got to be the one to make this move. Don’t wait for the other person–even if this person is your boss. Arguments can be great levelers: even well paid, well trained people who should know better can lose their heads and get caught in the destructiveness of He Said, She Said. And those very same people are just as likely to respond to the restorative breath as anyone else.

Since what you both want is for the insanity to stop, the sooner you can stop it, the better. And hey, if you can be the one to bring an argument with your boss from crazy to calm, you may get more out of it besides a resolution to the dispute.

But no matter who you’re arguing with, you’ll certainly both be glad to stop. Common sense? Maybe. Magical? Well, almost. Welcomed? Always.