Some people will do almost anything to keep a bad work relationship going. Ever notice?

I teach conflict resolution skills, and I regularly encounter people who refuse to heal the bad blood they have with their coworkers. They tell me the other person is impossible. Or too set in their ways. Or too powerful. Or too whatever. Rather than talk through the issue, they settle into an unhappy, unproductive, or down right toxic environment. Sometimes for years!

And because they won’t talk through the problem, the bad blood creates work-arounds. Sometimes entire departments amend their processes because everybody knows that X won’t work with Y. It amazes me that organizations are willing to put up with this sort of thing, but they do it because confrontation is messy. Many managers would rather just get the work done than have to play referee in someone else’s feud.

I get it. But after a while, it’s so darn tiring for the rest of us.

Whenever I hear that someone else is the problem, a sensor goes off in my brain, and I ask this question, “Why does she respond to you that way?” The answer I’m looking for is “I have no idea.” Anything else tells me that this person shares responsibility for what is going on (now it’s just a matter of learning conflict resolution skills to solve it). But the people who claim that they can’t understand why the relationship is bad, that it’s a total mystery, are intentionally obscuring the issue.

Let’s Pretend

Whenever I hear, “I have no idea,” I always counter with, “Pretend that you do.” When we ask someone to enter a pretend space to solve a problem, we’re creating an alternate universe, so to speak, that’s safer than the one we’re in. It’s safer to pretend. There are no mistakes. No one to hurt. Nothing to lose. In the pretend space, people suddenly feel free to offer up all kinds of ideas about why a relationship went bad–because they can’t be wrong. After all, we’re just pretending. They can try out the truth to see what it sounds like, to watch my reaction, and to enter back into reality with the answer.

Work can be a high stakes game. Many of us create a Work Self just to survive it. When we get home, we can be our “Real Self” who is often more relaxed and less stressed. When people are living with bad work relationships that they don’t want to fix, it can sometimes be because it’s just too stressful to go through the emotion of fixing it. After all, it’s just work. When I get home, I can be me.

If you’re a people manager, try creating a safe space the next time one of your employees tells you he or she simply has no idea why they can’t get along with a coworker. Alternate phrases to use are “What would you say if you did know?” or “Take a guess.” or “What do you think they would say if they were willing to talk?”

We Almost Always Know

If you get a negative response, ask your employee what he or she is pretending not to acknowledge about their own role in the situation. It takes two to tango. People generally don’t wake up in the morning and decide to deliberately destroy their work relationships. In my experience people often know exactly what went wrong. They know because they were there. They participated.

Managers can coach their employees to heal their work relationships by creating a safe space to explore the causes and also the solutions. If the reality of the situation is too real, raw, or contentious, try asking your employee to pretend to solve it. You may be surprised by how well it works.